Bella & Burt
by Shae loves crackfic
Summary: Bella is innocently watching television with Charlie when she sees the man of her dreams - Burt Reynolds. She tracks him down for some hot vampire lovin!
1. Discovering Burt

_Note: This was a lot of fun to write and there may be more. Thanks to Sasha for giving me this prompt, it really did break my brain. Any random things you read in here may be a personal joke with my friend Heather (mainly some really cheesy dialogue in the second chapter and general wtf-ery). Enjoy!_

Ever since I had become a vampire I'd been seeing the beauty in things I never noticed before. My awe at seeing Edward's real beauty was nothing compared to what I was seeing now. It was like the Grand Canyon – reddish tan and rocky to the point of danger. Well, maybe the Grand Canyon if it were wearing sunglasses. It took me another few minutes to start breathing again, I had to keep up the appearance of normality.

"Bella? Bella? Are you okay?" I heard Charlie asking. He hadn't moved an inch, which meant he was afraid of my non-human activity.

"Yes, yes I'm fine Char—Dad," I reassured him. "I just got a bit into the movie, that's all." We were watching some movie called _Deal_, I'd never heard of it, but Charlie said it was worth watching.

He gave me a sideways glance before redirecting his gaze to the movie we were watching. I tried to steady my breathing to match his and prepared for the most glorious man I'd ever seen to reappear on the screen. He entered from the right and he was like a god. I always compared Edward to an angel, so it would make sense that any god would be a million times better looking than him.

"Who is that Charlie?" I asked in my velvety smooth voice.

"I'm surprised you don't know who that is," he said scratching his head. "Or maybe not, you've never been one to watch too much tv. Its Burt Reynolds."

The name sent tingles all over my body. Burt Reynolds. His name sounded like lacy, gently wafting curtains. I could just imagine riding on a speedboat with that wonderful piece of leather. I started calculating in my mind how long it would take me to drive to LA. Did he even live in LA? Most actors did, so I guess he might.

Alice rushed into the room and said in a whisper that only I could hear, "Bella! You can't! What would Edward think? You absolutely can't!"

"Tell Edward I'm sorry," I whispered back before rushing out of the room. As I flew through the kitchen I grabbed the keys to my Ferrari. Before I knew it the car was speeding on the Highway towards California. The soft growl of the engine as I accelerated even faster was starting to wear on my nerves, so I turned on the radio, hoping for something to distract me during the trip.

"Never gonna give you up  
Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you  
Never gonna make you cry  
Never gonna say goodbye  
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We've know each other for so long  
Your hearts been aching  
But you're too shy to say it  
Inside we both know what's been going on  
We know the game and were gonna play it"

By the second time the chorus rolled around I was singing right along with the radio. And to think that all this time I thought Edward's Lullaby was the best music I'd ever heard. I must have been kidding myself. Surely the god Burt Reynolds must have sent this song down from heaven to tell me that we belong together. As I raced down I-5 I had "Never Gonna Give You Up" running through my head and I knew I would never give up my dream of being with Burt Reynolds. I remembered how set against sex Edward was when I was human, and wondered if I should be worried about the same thing with Burt. He looked so solid, so male, so damn leathery that I knew he'd be able to survive some vampire lovin'. I grinned as I pushed the gas pedal down to the floor of the car.


	2. Arrival

The sun was just rising as I drove into downtown LA

The sun was just rising as I drove into downtown LA. It took me an hour of driving before I found a suitable hotel. I had some cash in my purse, so I used that instead of one of my many credit cards. Alice would still see where I was, but I was hoping that Edward wouldn't be home yet. He was supposed to be hunting with Emmett and Jasper, so hopefully he wouldn't even know I was gone. I doubted that was the case, but nothing mattered now that I had found my true love.

Before heading up to my room I grabbed one of those tacky star maps that tourists love. Rather than taking the elevator, I quickly ran up the stairs -something I could have never done while I was human- to my room to check out the map. I found his name instantly. Somehow I had lucked out again. While my hotel was a bit out of the way, it was only a block away from _his_ house. The clock read 9:14am, so I still had a few more hours until I could go over there; unless he was okay to see me in my sparkling glory.

I decided to risk it and called down to the front desk to get the valet to bring my car around. By the time I got downstairs the car was just pulling up. I slipped the valet a fifty and slid into the ritzy sports car. The car was purring like a kitten as I sped down the road, going at least 3 times the posted speed limit. All too soon I was pulling in to a security checkpoint. Thank goodness there was an actual guard there. One thing I learned from Edward and Alice was that humans can be easily dazzled and bribed. I pulled a few hundred dollars out of my pocket as I pressed the button to lower the window.

"Hi!" I said in my singsong voice.

The middle-aged man blinked a few times, trying to clear his head from my dazzling effects. "Um…hi. This is a private residence. Do you have an appointment?"

I fluttered my eyelashes a few times and when I was sure he was fully dazzled I took his hand in my cold grip to pass him the money. "No, but please, I do have business in the house." The guard looked puzzled by the amount of money I handed him before opening the gate. "Thank you so much!" I said before stomping on the gas pedal.

I parked the car and ran to the door so fast I'm sure I would have been invisible to a normal person. Rather than knock on the door, I opened it instead, feeling instantly at home. His house was everything that the Cullen's house wasn't: manly, rugged, and there was dark furniture everywhere. The fragrance of expensive cigars met my vampire nose and I shivered in delight. This is where I was meant to be.

"Burt," I called out. I could hear movement a few rooms over, so I went towards that. I noticed beautiful dark mahogany furniture with hunter green accents. As I turned a corner I heard a loud bang and felt something like a pebble hit my arm. A bullet. How odd that there would be a bullet sitting on the ground. Who throws a bullet?

"Who are you? What are you doing in my house?" said a gravelly voice that could only belong to one man. I swooned. I couldn't believe it. In person his voice was a million times more powerful than Edward's gaze could ever be.

I peered around the corner and saw the leathery perfection of Burt's face. "I'm Bella Cullen. I was absolutely intrigued by you and knew I had to make your acquaintance. I'm sorry for intruding, but it felt natural to just come in the house. I hope its okay."

He quirked an eyebrow at me, no doubt taking in my gorgeous self, and I decided to get an eyeful as well. He was as gorgeous as he was on the Cullen's big screen tv. His skin was a shade of orange I had never seen before and the texture of his cheeks reminded me of an oatmeal cookie. I definitely wanted to eat him up. He seemed to be giving me the same looks I imagined I was giving him, so I slowly, and humanly as possible, moved towards him. He set the gun down on the counter.

"So you're married?" he asked as his eyes scanned my body, including my left hand.

I removed my ring. "Going to get a divorce actually. We had some disagreements and I've found someone else."

"Someone else?" he repeated as he scanned the room for an invisible someone.

"Oh come here you sexy leather parrot!" I yelled before pouncing on top of him. We both fell to the floor and I hoped that I didn't break the poor man. After planting a kiss on his hot orange naugahyde lips, I scooped him up into my arms and rushed around the house looking for the bedroom.

"That way!" he said, gesturing to a room on the right side of the hallway. I kicked the door in and threw him onto the bed. It was grander and more wonderful than anything I'd ever seen; it held the most sturdy and welcoming bed on the planet. I kissed Burt again feeling the warmth shoot through my skin and straight to my non-beating heart. His tough, manly lips felt so strange on my hard, marble lips. So different than what I was used to.

I was so eager to get his shirt open I ripped it off of him. "Hey! That was my favorite shirt!" he complained as I threw it to the ground. His chest was almost as glorious as his face was. I had gone to the Grand Canyon for school trips all during my education, but next to the tawny peaks and ridges of Burt's skin, that silly canyon was nothing.

"Bella, you'd better stop staring and me and start opening my pants. I'm on fire for you, baby," Burt said, interrupting my thoughts.

"I feel your fire, and I'm going to stoke it some more," I replied bending my head down and licking across all of the wrinkles and lines on his tawny chest. As I was running my tongue along the different textures of his chest I realized how much I loved chest hair. Edward, being forever 17, had a smooth chest free of the springy hair, but Burt had it in abundance. It was black and gray and reminded me of alfalfa sprouts. I rubbed my cheek in the hair wishing I could live in that coarse nest forever.

I reached down between and removed his pants, or rather, ripped them off; either way they were out of the picture and onto the floor. Oh. Okay, well maybe he wasn't as well equipped as Edward was, but I knew that sex would be so much better with Burt. He had experience with possibly thousands of women. Experience would be so much better. Burt palmed my breasts in his hands and began to massage them while tweaking the nipples slightly. I had no idea it was possible for my skin to become even harder, I could have cut glass with the peaks of my breasts. As I moved my hands up and down over Burt's rock hard member we moaned into each other's mouths. My pace picked up and he started to thrust into my vice-like grip.

He tore his mouth away from mine and roared, "Baby, my cock is on fire! I need to be in you now!" All of a sudden I was on my back and Burt was inside me. How had that happened? I was a thousand times faster than him and I knew how immovable I could be. Could my passion have clouded my mind so much or was Burt something else? I stopped thinking once my leather lover started this fast and most delicious dance. We were racing to the finish and I could hear myself growling, snarling, and tearing up the surroundings. Now I knew what Rosalie and Emmett meant when they destroyed houses.

My orgasm hit me hard and I shattered into a million pieces, my inner muscles clenching for all they were worth. Burt screamed in what I believed was ecstasy. I breathed in the heady scent of our lovemaking and looked over at the man who had given me so much pleasure. His face was contorted in pain – or as much pain as he could show with his stretched face.

"Burt, are you okay?" I asked. His only reply was a pained wheeze. I started to look around the bed hoping for a clue. My inner thighs were covered in blood. I reached down to my netherbits and felt around. Oops.

I fished Burt's severed penis out of my vagina and handed it back to him. "I think this is yours." He nodded, still in pain. "Should, umm, should we go to the hospital?" He nodded again. "I'm sorry honey. I didn't mean for my vagina to eat your penis. We'll work it out, I promise. I love you."

He passed out.


End file.
